The Canadian Reformed Church of Aldergrove

Dare to Discipline?

Do you dare to discipline your children? Are you afraid to spank them in public and do you make sure the blind is drawn if you spank them at home? Or do you think spanking children is border-line criminal? There seems to be a growing trend in our country today to marginalize and even outlaw all forms of physical discipline. In the midst of such confusing signals, what does God ask of His people in raising their children? Should Christians discipline their kids and if so, how?

To begin with, God has very clearly given parents authority over their children. That is clear from the 5th Commandment itself, “Honour your father and your mother…”¹ Parents have charge over and responsibility for raising their children to know, love, and serve the LORD. After delivering the 10 Commandments, Moses emphasized this parental task, “These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.”² And in honouring Dad and Mom, children must follow that instruction and obey them, as Paul writes, “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.”³

So, parents must indeed discipline their children. To discipline means literally to “make disciples out of” and so Christian parents are to teach their children to be disciples of the Lord, servants of God. The Book of Proverbs summarizes it nicely, “Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it.”⁴ Children need to be shaped, formed, and molded by their parents into faithful, loving servants of their God and Father in heaven. If they are ever to learn obedience to God’s commands, it must begin with obedience to their parents’ commands.

This does not come naturally to kids (or adults!) since we are all born and conceived in sin.⁵ We all are natural-born rebels against God preferring to hate Him rather than love Him. And so the training parents are to give will always be a struggle to overcome that natural tendency to disobey God. Every parent knows this by experience. Despite being told, toddlers take toys from their siblings, touch the flower pots, and open cupboards – and they do it over and over again! Five year olds ride their bike on the road or throw stones at the house, all the while knowing they are disobeying Mom and Dad. As kids get older, the struggle to make them faithful servants of God moves to new venues and takes different forms, but it always takes constant training.

It’s a lot like athletes training for competition. Athletes must train and discipline their minds and bodies by constant exercise so as to perform well on the day of competition. An un-trained athlete will only be an utter failure. Likewise parents must constantly work with their children till they mature into self-disciplined servants of God. And we all know how undisciplined children behave. They become self-centred, disobedient, and generally spoiled brats! Thus parents have much work to do in disciplining their kids.

How to Discipline?

But how should parents do this? Well, as noted above, it must certainly involve much discussion with them, teaching them the way of the Lord. Sit down with your kids regularly and read the Bible with them. Explain to them the meaning of the Old Testament stories and New Testament letters. Talk to them about what God has done in sending His Son Jesus Christ and what He now asks us to do in thankful response. Teach them God’s commandments.

But it can’t be talk only. Kids are quick to spot hypocrites who say one thing but do another. If they see Mom and Dad doing the opposite of what they’ve told the kids to do, how long will it stick with them? They might begrudgingly obey in the short-term, but as soon as they get a chance, they’ll drop it. Parents must also walk the walk. Parents must be good models for their children in serving the Lord, being faithful church members, loving others as they love themselves.

And what about when the children don’t listen? Parents have to set limits and parameters for their children. When a child disobeys those rules, there must be consequences otherwise he will never learn obedience. The basic principle for correcting children’s bad behaviour is found also in Proverbs, “He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is careful to discipline him.”⁶ The basic idea here is that the punishment for disobedience must pinch or smart in some way, but then it must be a just and fair punishment rendered always out of love for the child.

A good rule of thumb is this: the punishment must fit the crime. If the punishment is much more severe than the “crime” (so to speak), the child will recognize that as injustice and perceive no love from the parent. On the other hand, when clear rules are in place with punishments clearly set out, the child will (in the end) respect his parent for following through on the rules. Parents need to set a level playing field and then maintain the rules.

And when it comes time to punish, various things can be done to make the child feel the consequences of his actions. It could be as simple as sending a child to his room or suspending privileges for a time (like playing with neighbour friends or watching TV). But it also can include a spanking when appropriate. Spanking should be reserved for the more severe misdemeanors and should never be done in a rage. Let’s be clear: the Bible is not speaking of beating a child senselessly nor is it advocating physical abuse in any way. Such things go against the principle of love which God commands and are therefore condemned. However, spanking a child is something different. It is a controlled, measured way of communicating to him that his actions are wrong, bring negative consequences, and therefore need to be changed. It is always done out of love with the purpose of correcting his behaviour. Parents, especially fathers, must be very careful not to exasperate their children with unfair punishment.⁷

Raising children is not easy and disciplining them is very difficult. It takes loving conviction, consistent firmness, courage, and patience. But the end result will be, by God’s grace, children that grow up in loving obedience to their Father in heaven. Isn’t that worthwhile? Won’t you dare to discipline your kids for God’s glory?

Biblical quotations on this page are from: 1.) Deuteronomy 5:16; 2.) Deuteronomy 6:6,7; 3.) Ephesians 6:1; 4.) Proverbs 22:6; 5.) Psalm 51:5; 6.)Proverbs 13:24; 7.) Ephesians 6:4
All Scripture quotations are taken from the New International Version (NIV)

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Questions and Answers:

1. How shall we liive?
2. Rebel or Respect?
3. Dare to Discipline?
4. Fetus or Baby?
5. Death Penalty?
6. Should Sex be Free ?
7. Same-Sex Marriage?
8. Christian Divorce?
9. Roll the Dice?
10. White Lies?
11. What is Truth?
12. How is Your Heart?

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